Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Who Killed Michael Jackson?


Yesterday, when I was checking my email, I looked up and saw this ad. and then I realized: I couldn't answer the question. Who IS that little brown cherub? It sure isn't this dude, who I'm pretty sure would scare my 4 year-old-niece if she ever saw him in person.




To be honest, he'd scare me too. One night, after enjoying a few spiked beverages and other goodies, I turned to my friend on the couch, and posed a very serious question. "What would you do if Michael Jackson burst in the room right now?"

He looked at me, then the door, then me again. Suddenly, he seemed really nervous. "I'd probably jump out the window".

I happen to live on the fifth floor, so what my friend was essentially saying, was that he would commit suicide if Michael Jackson came in. And the more I thought about it, the more nervous I got. In fact, I actually got up, and dead bolted my front door, just in case The King of Pop was pressing his ear against the door, listening to our conversation, and ready to make his entrance.

So I want to ask: what the hell happened to Michael Jackson? I mean, I know Joe was crazy, he was forced to be a child star, Mr. Rat got killed, etc. But none of this would explain his skin lightening a thousand shades, his hair implants/wig/whatever is on his head, the extensive plastic surgery, or the unforgivable loss of bass in his voice.

I have a theory. Someone either killed the real Michael Jackson, or they entered into an agreement: the real Mike went into hiding, and this lunatic has his riches at his disposal to do whatever he desires. I'm gonna have to go with the latter, and as I say that, I realize that this dude is really living it up: Adopting nordic babies, naming them Blanket and Prince Michael while claiming, against all genetic possibilities, that they're his. Talking in a falsetto 24/7. Living on Never Never Land and having sleepovers will random little boys. Touching fans in Croatia and acting all humble as they pass out.

I think the real Michael Jackson is chillin' in Detroit. He's probably a mechanic with really heavy sideburns and perpetual toothpick in his mouth. He probably smashes the radio with a bat every time a Jackson 5 oldie comes on, and does the moonwalk in the shower. I don't care what you say, that monster above is not the original King of Pop.

Somebody needs to lock this man up. And find the real Michael Jackson.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

LMFAO!
1. I remember that night when we disussed MJ and jumping out the window. That jump would be the only option if he came in.

2. I pray to God the real MJ has sideburns in Detroit. That would be amazing.

Anonymous said...

This is actually a hilarious concept! Luv it!