Thursday, December 13, 2007

Please Arrest








Montell’s delivery man. Nope, I’m not talking about his paperboy, florist, or any restaurants that may deliver to him. I’m talking about whoever it is that supplies Montell with his ‘medicinal’ marijuana. You see, Montell’s been toking on that oooh-wee a bit too much, and starting to act rather irrationally.

It can be argued that Montell has acted irrationally for a very long time. I know, because I used to watch his show when I was in middle school (don’t ask why, there really is no explanation). I really felt like he was about helping people, except of course, when he brought that eccentric psychic, Sylvia Browne on, and she used to bite her thumb, look at people really sadly, and say things like “oh, honey, I’m sorry. You’re going to have some really traumatic deaths in the family next year”. Thanks Sylvia, but I’d rather not know, you know? Like, can I just come to New York, go see the tree in Roc center, go to Montell’s show, and then return to Iowa without you telling me that my son is going to die?

Anyway, Montell recently traveled to Savannah, Georgia, to promote a pharmaceutical company, or something. Probably to promote his dealer as the leading source of ‘medicinal’ marijuana. But I digress. Some high school journalist had the nerve to question Montell about the ethical lines that are consistently blurred by pharmaceutical companies when it comes to profiting off of medicine taken by very sick people. Montell, probably sober at the time, brushed the question off and kept it moving. Later on, in the lobby of the hotel, and clearly after taking a few hits of that good stuff, and feeling like he was on top of the world, he let the poor little girl know how he really felt. This is what he said: “Don't look at me like that. Do you know who I am? I'm a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up.”

Oh really, Montell. Really? I have a few questions:

(1) You’re a big star? I’m not sure about that Montell. If you’re a ‘big star’, you wouldn’t have to say it. Its kind of like the women who wear the “I’m sexy” t-shirts. 99% of the time, they’re not. Monty, do you think that Beyonce walks around saying “I’m a big star”? Not so much.

(2) Montell, all of us can look people up. All it takes is fingers, half a brain, and either the internet or a phone book. Are you alluding to having special powers? Try harder.

(3) Are you really going to blow her up, Montell? How, pray tell, would you do that? Would you go out like a champ and just throw some dynamite in her window? Or would you hire someone? You know, being that you’re a ‘big star’ and all. Maybe one of your fans will just do it for you, being that you’re such a ‘big star’. And your fans aren’t lonely housewives in middle America, right? They’re people with expertise in bomb-building and assassinations, right?

But you know, Montell’s PR people got their minds right, and forced him to publically apologize. He claims he thought the girl was at the hotel to harass him, and he just lost his temper.

Montell, we don’t believe you, you need more people. You know you were snacking passing a bowl around up in your room, and came downstairs trying to stunt.

Do better.

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