The other day, I met a young man, who seemed to be a 6 out of 10 on the normal meter. I can only give him a 6 because his shirt was a bit too 90s-baggy, and his dancing was overenthusiastic and somewhat stripper-esque. Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed. I like to deal with 8s or better, so this guy wasn’t ever really an option.
Well, this 6 made a crucial mistake that plummeted him down the ranks to a 2 or less. After observing his behavior, I concluded that if he had the audacity to ask for my contact information, he’d receive an email at best, and a fake number at the worst. You see, an email is a step above: its actually real contact information, and if I’m feeling particularly euphoric or philanthropic, I just might answer it. A fake number, on the other hand, is solely a guarantor of my personal safety. I’ve met many a closeted thug in my young heyday who would say something along the lines of “alright, I’m gonna call you now to make sure they number is real” with a menacing look in their eyes. I’d either run, or slap my head and be like “whoops! Just changed my number, I must have given you the old one!”. I don’t live by the gun, and I don’t expect to die by it either.
Anywhoo, after yapping up a good game of having an online company with his ex-girlfriend, buying some drinks and working my nerves, he finally did it. He asked for my number. I told him I would not be able to give that to him, but I would give him my email address. He froze. “But I don’t have an email address”, he responded, arrogantly flicking his toothpick around his mouth. “I’m sorry?” I said. Because I could not have possibly heard him correctly. He didn’t just say that he doesn’t have an email address. “I don’t have an email address, but I should probably get one, because they’re free, right?”. I didn’t respond. I just shook my head, took his phone, and started entering my email address in his address book. In actuality, this was perfect! If you don’t have an email address in 2008, you’ll probably never have one, unless you’re an infant or toddler. “well, when you get one, email me!” I said. He gave me a deadpan look and was like “but wait, you’re not going to give me your number then? I don’t have an email address.”.
That was the final straw. I was tired of trying to tap out my info on his old-school phone anyway. Get a smartphone and an email address. I snapped the phone shut, looked at him, and was like “no, I’m not going to be able to do that. And how exactly do you run your online business if you don’t have an email address?”. His response? “Over the phone”.
Game over.
Well, this 6 made a crucial mistake that plummeted him down the ranks to a 2 or less. After observing his behavior, I concluded that if he had the audacity to ask for my contact information, he’d receive an email at best, and a fake number at the worst. You see, an email is a step above: its actually real contact information, and if I’m feeling particularly euphoric or philanthropic, I just might answer it. A fake number, on the other hand, is solely a guarantor of my personal safety. I’ve met many a closeted thug in my young heyday who would say something along the lines of “alright, I’m gonna call you now to make sure they number is real” with a menacing look in their eyes. I’d either run, or slap my head and be like “whoops! Just changed my number, I must have given you the old one!”. I don’t live by the gun, and I don’t expect to die by it either.
Anywhoo, after yapping up a good game of having an online company with his ex-girlfriend, buying some drinks and working my nerves, he finally did it. He asked for my number. I told him I would not be able to give that to him, but I would give him my email address. He froze. “But I don’t have an email address”, he responded, arrogantly flicking his toothpick around his mouth. “I’m sorry?” I said. Because I could not have possibly heard him correctly. He didn’t just say that he doesn’t have an email address. “I don’t have an email address, but I should probably get one, because they’re free, right?”. I didn’t respond. I just shook my head, took his phone, and started entering my email address in his address book. In actuality, this was perfect! If you don’t have an email address in 2008, you’ll probably never have one, unless you’re an infant or toddler. “well, when you get one, email me!” I said. He gave me a deadpan look and was like “but wait, you’re not going to give me your number then? I don’t have an email address.”.
That was the final straw. I was tired of trying to tap out my info on his old-school phone anyway. Get a smartphone and an email address. I snapped the phone shut, looked at him, and was like “no, I’m not going to be able to do that. And how exactly do you run your online business if you don’t have an email address?”. His response? “Over the phone”.
Game over.
2 comments:
hilarious
Despite you continuing your mean post streak, this did make me laugh out loud.
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